Wandering People Are Dangerous

The Fall of Rome and of Barbarians

This title is somewhat misleading as historians still debate whether the Empire of Rome actually fell or if it just went on a weight-loss program, or if it just even changed its name to hide from people it owed money to. What really didn’t help was the fact that a bunch of Germans wanted to get into the Empire because it had super cool things like civilisation and toilets. Except they weren’t called Germans yet, they had much more fun names like Vandals and Visigoths, and the Romans didn’t really want them around. Modern Germans refer to the way these people entered the Empire as ‘Völkerwanderung‘,Volkerwanderung which means ‘the wandering of people’, which sounds very pleasant and friendly. Like having interesting new neighbours move in next door. Everyone else calls it ‘the Barbarian Invasions’. Which sounds like neighbours moving in next door who own loudly barking dogs, frequently steal the washing off your clothes-line and invite all their friends over for a party and let them sleep anywhere they want, even in your house. And then kill you and wear your head as a hat. To be nice though, most historians now call it ‘the Migration Period’ which makes it sound like it is some natural process. Like herds of zebra peacefully running around the Serengeti and building aqueducts. Which are then savagely attacked by vicious smelly dirty lions.

Vandering Vandals Und Visigoths

So these wandering folk quite literally wandered around the Empire for quite some time. The Vandals started off by traipsing through France before settling down in Spain and North Africa and then being a nuisance to Rome by invading every now and then. The Visigoths followed the Vandals around for a bit, decided Spain was far too nice for them and took it. Sadly, or happily depending on whose side you are on, the Vandals had more bad luck when they were wiped out by the Romans who had changed their name to avoid debt, the Byzantines. The Visigoths used to be part of the people known as the Goths but wanted to see more of the world and so left home at an early age. The rest of the Goths became known as the Ostrogoths. Very imaginative names, East and West Goths.Visigoth Kingdom The Visigoths were very happy in Spain and ignored everyone else for centuries because, in all fairness, they were only rivalled by the Irish for their high level of learning, culture and saintliness. They were even fond of making up their own versions of Christianity, just like the Irish. But they never had laws about bees and are thus less awesome than the Irish. They too were attacked by sneaky name-changing Romans, and the consistently aggressive Franks, before being wiped out by the Umayyad Caliphate. The other Goths fared a little better…

Goth-erdammerung

… Well, no they didn’t really. They had one phenomenal, and aptly named, leader, Theodoric the Great.Theodoric The Roman Empire which hadn’t changed its name hadn’t really been ruled by Romans in a while, but nobody really knew about that until Odoacer, a Hun, killed the last emperor and proclaimed himself king. Theodoric thought he could do a better job. He invited Odoacer to dinner and killed him. With his bare hands. Nobody really argued with him after that. Theodoric then basically re-established the Roman Empire to a certain degree, made treaties with everyone who was worth making treaties with and became top dog of Western Europe. For about twenty minutes. The Ostrogoths had basically been very annoying tenants in the Byzantine Empire who were told to go live somewhere else. When they did go and find somewhere else to live they were expected to be subservient to the Byzantine Emperor. This would be like buying a new house and still having to pay rent to your former landlord. Actually it would be more like your landlord telling you to kill his neighbour and take his house and then paying him to keep quiet about the whole thing because you want your neighbours to think you are actually very nice and that they should all listen to you because your sitting-room has a tv with the best shows. Of course here ‘sitting-room’ and ‘tv’ are metaphors for ‘Rome’ and ‘the hypothetical centre of the western Christian Church’. He built himself a fairly decent empire and then died as it all started falling apart, which is handy because the old landlord came looking for rent. The Byzantines went about taking half of everything the Ostrogoths had, and then realising that half of everything wasn’t actually that much took the rest.

These unfortunate barbarians had cousins. Ones who were very good at keeping what they had killed for. It helped that they were relatively far away from the heirs of Rome, the Byzantines, who kept asking for rent from people who occupied what used to be their empire. These peoples could happily ignore the Eastern Empire as they went about killing the locals and setting themselves up as kings. These would be the Anglo-Saxons and the Franks.

Reality Check:

While some ‘barbarians’ did arrive into the Empire in arms, a substantial amount were probably refugees from conflict, plague or famine. ‘Barbarian’ was a pejorative term used by the ‘civilised’ Romans to distinguish what they were from what they were not. These ‘barbarian’ people had a rich and vibrant culture of their own that had simply developed in a manner different to that of the Mediterranean cultures.

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One response to “Wandering People Are Dangerous

  1. Pingback: Vive la Franks | A Frivolous Endeavour

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